I know I haven't blogged in a long while, and in fact this post I wrote out and saved over a year ago but never published. I have felt pretty overwhelmed with joy lately, as I feel that writing this blog is truly a relief and release for me. I don't want it to always be a rant of frustrations, and conversely I don't want it to always nothing but happy, happy, happy. There needs to be a delicate balance, just like everything in life. So I will start with this post (a mix of both), and my goal this year will be to continue writing. I feel there will be some times coming up where I will need it and maybe you might too dear readers....
Last year, I was hit with some pretty heavy drama that left me feeling angry, hurt, and frustrated. I felt that there was no one I could talk to initially because everyone that I turn to in times of trouble are too close to the situation. So all I could do was turn to the person who is always there to listen, my Lord. I started praying and I was overcome with the urge to write my last blog post. It wasn't thought out, or planned, or pre-written- it just flowed. After publishing it, I felt a rush of peace that was completely fulfilling and I felt that in that moment I had a clear answer of what I was to do.
That day, I came home from work and I told the Viking everything that happened. Just as I suspected, like the sweet, protective husband that he is, he jumped to my defense, ruffled my feathers again, and fed my initial reaction of anger. I meditated on that emotion and I found that I despised that feeling and I knew that it was wrong. I already had been given my answer, why even consider changing my mind? My human nature is such that, I need affirmation and to convince myself that I am doing the right thing. So I again discussed it further with the Viking, sought his opinion on what I was being prompted to do, and was left with an unsettled feeling that it wasn't right. Not that the Viking's advice wasn't good, and it could have very easily worked in another situation, but it wasn't right for that one. In expressing my feelings of frustration to him, he suggested that I seek council in a friend of mine and see what her thoughts are on the subject. It was an inviting idea and one that I had toyed with, but I was hesitant in doing so. I am a very private person when it comes to affairs of my family and it is has become very hard for me to open up to others for fear of what they may think. But I needed to resolve this uneasy, desperate feeling of peace, so I bit the bullet and called her to meet for coffee.
Coffee is my comfort. It reminds me of waking up early on a cool morning, wrapped in a blanket and either reading a book or looking out over a serene view. Some of my most favorite conversations and mornings involve coffee, and it brings me to a better version of myself. My friend (we'll call her Joy) loves coffee too, and we even were first introduced over coffee. So it just made since to meet at Starbucks and have a heart to heart. She was more than willing, basically dropped everything- getting a babysitter and all- and wanted to meet that night.
As we held our warm cups of comfort, I spilled everything to her, and told her the anxiety I was feeling for it all. To my astonishment, she didn't get mad, she didn't butt in with comments, she didn't judge me for my feelings; she just let me talk and smiled. When I was finished, she shared with me that the same thing happened in her family and that it had affected relationships to the point that part of her family had never even met her youngest daughter (she was 10). She shared that it took a death in the family to bring everyone together and forced them to talk. The Lord's hand was held over that meeting, because they realized that it was such a silly thing to have such animosity and hate, and they decided that the love and memories they had were so much more important. They have slowly, within the past months, been working at rebuilding those torn and tattered relationships and are now looking forward to a family reunion over the summer.
It was a reminder to me that, in the midst of it all, the Lord is at work. We have to seek his wisdom and direction, and when he tells us to wait, we need to do just that. He gave me a peace about the whole thing and even directed me to someone who would know exactly what I was going through, and even is coming out the other side. If it takes 10 years for my family to made whole again over this issue, it will be worth it, but I have learned that I cannot let my emotional and flawed human perspective makes things worse.
Have hope dear ones, and let it anchor you to what you know to be true. Cling to those relationships that you build, and don't be afraid to reach out. After all, we're all in this together!
xoxo,
Katie Beth
